Still Chasing....Just not Blogging

I'm wondering how many people end up reading this. It's been almost one month since my last post. It's not that I haven't been Chasing the Whisper in life and ministry.....just haven't been blogging about it.

Actually....this blog was a Whisper I chased. I never saw myself as "a blogger", but decided I'd give it a try because of a phrase I sensed God Whispering to me...."impact beyond Sunday morning".

It provided a way to extend the potential impact of Crossbridge and my personal ministy off stage and beyond a Sunday morning teaching by simply processing my personal journey with God here, letting others in on the Whispers I was chasing.

At first I really enjoyed it, found it very helpful personally, and it seemed like those who were following it enjoyed the impact as well. But then the tyranny of the urgent seemed to take over and it was longer and longer between posts. And what good is following someone's blog....who rarely blogs? At times it's become another task to accomplish during a week instead of simply letting others in on the chase.

I don't know if anyone will even notice. I doubt that most Whisper Chasing Followers opened their inbox each week to see if a new Whisper was being chased. I don't think a blog's purpose is to have an "impact". But to me if it's just a place to process some thoughts....I can do that with a journal (no, not a diary).

So...for now anyway....I'm signing off.....from blogging that is.

I'm not done Chasing the Whisper.....just posting about it consistently.

From time to time I may put something out there....after all I still have the blog site and password. But on a consistent basis....for now...I'm going to chalk this one up to a Whisper Chased for a season.

Thanks for listening....or uh.....following, I guess is how real bloggers say it.

Just some stuff....

It’s my first day back in the office and already my day required me to hit the ground running. Many people return from a mission trip with a new sense of perspective on their life often vowing to make lasting changes like slowing down, being more content, shifting their priorities.

If that were my case, today really would have thrown me for a loop. My work day is almost over, and I feel like I’ve barely scratched the surface of what I really wanted to accomplish.

But the mission trip didn’t necessarily change my perspective on my life, or shift my priorities. It did, however, reinforce and tweak the direction I am already headed. For example, here’s just some stuff I brought back from Costa Rica with me....

• I should be bolder in sharing God’s with others. But relationships are still the key. God has given me good relationships with people who are far from Him right now. I can and should become more intentional in those relationships for God’s purposes.

• I am a Shepherd. But I’m a Shepherd Leader….or maybe it’s a Leader Shepherd. God has put me out front of the church….for the church….to be pointing the direction we as a church should be going as well as how we as Christ Followers should be going there.

• Sometimes the leader out front is the one that gets shot at the most, but that’s where God asks His Shepherd Leaders (or Leader Shepherds) to be.

• God can be trusted. One of the biggest concerns for Kim and I and this trip was how to make sure our daughter Taylor followed her rigid eating system a doctor designed to stabilize her immune system. There were meals I found myself silently praying; “God, please provide something Taylor can eat right now.” And each meal…even every snack….He provided something. Maybe not always what we would have chosen, but a meal or snack none the less.

This is just some stuff God did in me and around me over the last week. This wasn’t my first mission trip, so maybe that’s why it wasn’t a life altering experience. More like a life affirming experience for me. Don’t get me wrong. I think these trips are fantastic opportunities for us to experience God working in us and thru us.

But you don’t have to go to a foreign mission field to do that. Do you?

I saw people…friends…Crossbridgers having ah-ha experiences through the week. And as happy as I was for them, part of me couldn’t help but think; “That’s exactly the kind of stuff we’ve been talking about at C3 in our series…from the stage…in Small Groups.”

On one hand, I’m thrilled that thru a mission trip experience, some light bulbs turned on and perspectives were changed…or maybe simply re-inforced. And on the other hand, I want so badly for people…friends…Crossbridgers….myself included….to live our lives daily in a way that we are attentive and open to God’s promptings….His Pointings….His Whispers. And when we see it, even think we hear it, or definitely experience it…..that we embrace it and let it transform us more and more into who God is shaping us to be.

That’s just some stuff I brought back with me from Costa Rica.

Catching me on a day....

You’re catching me on a day where everything is going thru my mind…and then nothing is. All at the same time.

I’m watching my friends hurt for their hurting child.

I’m processing why someone just left Crossbridge.

I’m trying to live out rhythm and flow while life tries forcing a different beat and pulling me into its own current.

I’m trying to get “It” back. Felt like before vacation I was on a roll, but now I’m trying to get back in the groove.

And I’m trying to chase the Whisper in my life and as a pastor.

I’m not weary, we just got back from vacation.

I’m not scared, I know God is in control of everything. For real, those aren’t just empty words.

I’m not stressed, in fact I’m finding myself walking this differently (in a good way) than ever before.

You’re just catching me on a day…

On a day when everything…and nothing is going thru my mind.

Ever have a day like that?

Me too.

Running to listen....

As a pastor, alot of people get a view thru the window of my inner world and what God's doing in me. That's why I started blogging. This post I wanted you to hear from my favorite Whisper chaser on the planet. My best friend. For the last 20 years (this July) Kim's been chasing the Whisper with me....sometimes leading the way. God speaks thru Kim. He just does. That's why I'm so excited to see her on the journey she's taking....because I know God is going to Whisper to her....and then she's going to share that Whisper with me.

Enjoy.

Running to listen.....

I’ve known something for a very long time. Kind of a duh statement, but one I battle constantly. In order to hear God’s voice, I have to be in a place to listen. My life is too busy, some of it is just regular busy stuff, but other times I create more busyness then is necessary. I suffer from the need to constantly be doing. I will read my Bible and pray but don’t always quiet myself and slow down enough to block out the world around me. Because of this, sometimes I don’t hear God’s voice. I have to stop everything to hear the Whispers.

I get where I crave time to hear God’s voice and I can’t keep going until I get it. This happened a few weeks ago. I was contemplating a decision and wanted to hear what God had to say. God spoke very clearly to me telling me to go for it.

It was to run the Chicago Marathon.

But the bigger picture is what I heard next. God wants me to run it, not for a physical goal but a spiritual one. As I train I’m going to attempt to learn something. The topic: Why does God love me? Why does He want to spend time with me?

As I run by myself (or rather…with God) I’m listening, blocking out the world, stopping all things except Him and me.

I’ve already heard a few things, and am so excited to hear more. More Whispers, more “I love yous”, more time with Him.

I know this is a long journey. Longer than 26.2 miles. I’m not going to cross this finish line here on earth, but I’m going to take steps toward understanding it.

God loves me. Amazing.

15 minutes...

I’m a “list” person. I like “lists”. They help me think…..organize…..reflect….and get things done.

The other day I made a list of things God has been Whispering into my life for the last little while. It’s a legal pad that says….

….Grace – Gratitude – Blessing.
….Good Father – Good Gifts – Good God (not vengeful).
….Free from condemnation and guilt.
….Lostness – need for God.
….Judging others – self.

Most times I like crossing things off my lists more than I like putting them on it.

Not this time. This list wasn’t about crossing off. It was just some time with me and God. It had been a long couple days and I was in my car for another 15 mins. until the things of life recaptured my day.

But before life took over again, I got 15 Holy minutes with God.

That’s the only way I can describe them.

Holy.

Just moments. But God was there. His Presence. His Voice. His Whisper. And we talked. Just me and God. He let me talk the most….I think He knew I needed to get some things off my mind and heart (and He knows I’m a talker).

He just listened……and He Whispered.

I can’t tell you what He said.

Not because He told me not to.

But because I don’t really know. I don’t know that He really said anything. I just know that for about 15 mins…..God stopped whatever He was doing…..and hung out with me.

I can’t explain it….never can. Can’t explain that sense. The sense that God was there…that He is attentive to my heart.

I can’t explain it.....but I know.

And I loved every minute.

It's just where we are...

Although I’m in a teaching series about generosity, today’s Whisper chasing is not an extension of yesterday’s teaching…..it’s just where we are right now. It’s what life on the Whisper trail looks like for Kim and I.

We can’t get away from these four words: grace….generous….grateful….and trust.

I don’t know if it’s the questions….or maybe the answers these four words create that are causing so much refletion.

Why is God so generous to me?

What am I supposed to do with the overflow of His grace in my life?

If a generous heart is a reflection of a grateful heart….how grateful or I mean generous….or maybe I do mean grateful…..am I to God for His grace….I mean generosity….or maybe I do mean grace…..in my life? (Is that still a question or a statement now?!)

See what I mean? But we love it. It’s so cool I don’t know what to do with it…except chase it.

I can’t figure out where grace turns into generosity or is a result of gratefulness…..or where gratefulness spills over into grace which really is just another version of being generous.

I don’t know.

But I don’t really care either.

I just really like what it’s doing inside me…inside us. It’s released us in a new way. So new, I can’t explain it yet.

Whatever it’s inviting us to…we know it requires that we grow in our trust in God. Not sure where….not sure how…..but I’m convinced we can’t go wherever there is….without growing in trust.

We’ll see…..

Showing up...

I haven’t posted in almost a month. It’s not that God hasn’t been stirring things in me. In fact, part of why I haven’t posted anything is that I’ve been chasing so many Whispers that haven’t known what to write about. But if simply showing up really is half the battle…..here I am….sorry for the hiatus.

So here’s just a one of the Whispers I’ve been chasing…..Judging.

I’ve considered myself on a journey towards grace picking up pieces of the puzzle here and there intentionally for the last 15 years or so. But March 12th caught me by surprise while listening to a sermon by Rob Bell from Mars Hill called “Judging”.

The short version? I am different. Something changed that day.

I let go.

Grabbed hold.

Took a next step.

And came out transformed.

It’s totally changed the way I view others….and even myself. (Go listen for yourself….see if there’s a Whisper there for you to chase.)

As I took an inventory of this area in my life, it wasn’t pretty. But it was so beautiful. Know what I mean? One of those times you stare your “junk” in the face and while you’re repulsed by it, you can’t help but smile at the same time.

That’s the feeling of forgiveness……and freedom.

I realized how often I assign a judgment to other’s essence.

I characterize them.

Make a decision about their inner being and the motives of their heart.

It’s going beyond making a decision about an action. It's evaluating and drawing conclusions about who they are….their very identity.

In other words……I play God.

And to quote an old buddy of mine, that day it; "Hit me like a 2x4 in the face.”

How wrong it is. The Bible says that exposing hidden darkness and motives of one’s heart is God’s job…..not ours.

And I don’t want to be like that anymore.

In fact, I’m not that person anymore.

Not to say I am perfect at it now. Not to say the “junk” doesn’t try to resurface. But what I can say is….I am different now.

I came across a poem from a monk that has brought great peace in my pursuit of The Whisper. One line in particular encourages my spirit:

MY LORD GOD, I have no idea where I am going.
I do not see the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain where it will end.
Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so.
But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you.
And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing.
I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.
And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it.
Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death.
I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.

- Thomas Merton, "Thoughts in Solitude”

So….though I may stumble thru any next steps I’m trying to take with God…..I am trying.

And I believe that pleases Him.

See you next week…….hopefully.

The view from here....

God has been showing me lately how my view of Him, is shaped by my view of myself and others. And how my view of others, is shaped by my view of God and of myself. And how my view of myself.....well....you get the picture.

In other words, it’s all inter-related.

Pastor/Author, Rob Bell, shares that however we view God is how we rationalize how we treat others. For example, if I don’t view God as a generous God, then I don’t need to be generous to others. After all, even God isn’t generous.

You probably don't, but sometimes after a long day at work I'm too tired to go shoot hoops when my kids ask. So then I find myself asking God for something and I just know He's up there going; "I'll take a pass this time." even as "Cats in the Cradle" play in the background of heaven.

I’m that way, so God must be that way. Whatever “that way” is.

But it’s not “that way”….or at least it shouldn’t be.

I’m flawed. So are you. When you and I interact with each other, we’re bound to do so in a flawed manner at some point. But I can’t attribute those flaws to God.

So I started a “God is” list. God is….patient….loving….wanting to give good gifts to His children. That sort of thing. And then I started writing everything where I experience God demonstrating those attributes in my life personally.

I also caught myself lying to my kids at dinner the other night. We were out celebrating as a family how generous God has been to us lately. We went out to eat at a restaurant we can’t usually afford. Appetizers? Sure….we’re celebrating! Big meals, even without coupons? Why not….I told you…we’re celebrating! And on the way out of the restaurant we were sharing how we’re going to start sponsoring a child from Africa thru World Vision and I started to say;

“God blesses us when we are generous like this.” (That’s the lie. Okay….half-truth….because I think you’ve got a good case from scripture of what-goes-around-comes-around.)

But I stopped. Just before those words came out of my mouth. And instead I said….“God is generous because He wants us to pass along that generosity to others.”

And that’s STILL not the real truth. I realized later…..what I wish I would have said was; “God is generous.”

Period. End of sentence. The whole truth and nothing but the truth. God is generous…….wait for it……BECAUSE….God is a generous God!

He can’t help Himself. He’s just…..that….way. Wow. He's not that way because I am. He's not not that way because you aren't. God is. Or as God says; "I AM".....regardless of whether or not we am.....or aren't...amn't.

So, I’m trying not to let my view of myself or of others reflect poorly on God…..and I’m hoping that this truer view of God helps me reflect……well….you get the picture.

Snowflakes....

So....getting back to Wonder.

Ever find yourself looking up at the stars on a clear night and realize what a small part of the universe you are? Or on a bright summer day catch yourself looking up at the clouds amazed at how they just float there? Or become captivated by a feather gliding effortlessly in the wind?

Yeah....me neither. Sounds corny doesn't it? Who has the time anyway?

My kids do. Kids in general actually.

Kids seem to have a limitless imagination. I used to...I would pretend I was a spy decoding enemy plans. When I was a kid.

Kids are captivated by the simple. I used to be....I would play for hours in the tree fort in our back yard. When I was a kid.

When I was a kid.

I'm not a kid anymore and I'm afraid I've lost my wonder.

My wonder for God that is. Actually, I'm not afraid I've lost it....I know I've lost it (to some extent anyway).....and that makes me afraid.

I used to be "that guy".

The guy who attributed everything around me to God being at work. I still believe that. But it used to AMAZE me.

When did I lose it? How did I lose it? It's a Whisper God's had me chasing for a while. The best I can figure is that I lost it because of Life and Church.

Life....happened. My dad's death...our daughter Taylor's health issues.....happened. And it kind of jaded me. Made me cyncial about how God works (or when He takes a day off or a coffee break right when I want Him working on a project).

See...there it is.

I still love God. Still trust God. But walking thru Life happenings, I saw that sometimes the outcome can't be affected by our faith, our prayers, or positive mental attitude. No matter how much we fast, pray, lay hands on, anoint with oil, cry out to God, have others intercede for us - God's going to do what God's going to do. People still die and healing is reserved for ladies who sneak thru crowds to touch Jesus' cloak.

I know....sounds ugly doesn't it?

And then Church happened. I realized that at some point after I became pastor, I began feeling like I have to be able to explain or rationalize God to others (especially those who are jaded, cynical, or skeptical). But honestly? I'm tired of trying to....and I'm tired of feeling like I have to....explain God. Rationalize Him. Do you know how irrational that sounds?

Know what else I'm tired of?

Lost wonder for the divine and supernatural.

I don't want to be cynical anymore.

I don't want to be jaded or mad at God when Life or Church happens.

I want to be amazed by God again.

Not bored.

I want to be that crazy guy others laugh at because something simple stops me in my tracks with wonder and amazement.

I know the Bible says.....When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. The problem is....we took that to mean stop being a kid. And even when Jesus told us to start being a kid again if we want to follow Him....many of us didn't listen. We like grown-up-faith better.

Not me.

Not anymore.

I want my childlike wonder back.

That's why I've been intrigued with snowflakes lately.

I read about William Bentley (The Snowflake Man), who was the first person to photograph, study, and record snowflakes (over 5,000 of them).

What he found is that no two snowflakes are alike. They are each unique. When you get a chance, check out some of his pictures: http://snowflakebentley.com/

You know what else I realized while studying snowflakes? They are formed in a cloud. They are uniquely shaped....as they pass thru a cloud.

See to me, the first thought of a cloud is a bad thing. It's a cloudy and rainy day. I know there are clouds on sunny days too...but that's not the first picture I get with clouds. And a cloud is where this magnificent....uniquely shaped.....spectacle of God's creation (aka...the snowflake) is designed. And no two are alike. When that snowflake is gone....the world is without a little piece of uniqueness.

WOW!

So....I can't look now at a picture of a snowflake without being totally amazed with wonder. How did it get shaped like that? What path was specifically designed to get it to this very spot? It's magnificently and articulately made.....and will be gone within moments of landing on my coat sleeve.

And it was uniquely shaped.....by God.

It makes me wonder.

Right now...I'm on the lookout for All Things Wonder.....all things practically.....all things spiritually.....hoping they keep wonder alive in my life.

Thanks God for snowflakes.

Hmmmmmmmmm

Back in my day, there was a talk show host named Arsenio Hall who had a segment on his show called, "Things that make you go hmmmmmmmm."

Before I post this week, I'd like to know what you've been hmmmng about since my post last week about Wonder.

Was the randomness intentional? Yep.

Is there more to the process....even now? Yep.

But I'd like to know what (if anything) last week made you hmmmm about.

So if you wouldn't mind, drop your hmmmm's, as random as they may be, in the comment section of Chasing The Whisper......Wonder.

It will help me process too.

Sausage....

I got nuthin' this week.

Well.....not entirely true.

The best I got this week.....is sausage.

So if you don't mind still-processing thoughts, keep reading.

If you need them collected this week, these aren't those.

Wonder.....

Have I lost my wonder and awe for God?

I think I have. To some extent.

How come? Where did it go? Can I get it back? How?

Best I got today?

....Got some thoughts.

....Have an idea.

....Banking I can.

....Studying snowflakes.

Because snowflakes intrigue me right now.....and I hope they help me recapture my wonder.

So there it is. Sausage. They say you don't want to see someone making it, but it sure tastes good when it's finished.

Still Processing.....

I didn't post anything last week. Maybe you didn't even notice. I did. It was on purpose. Mondays are usually the day i spend time blogging.

But not last Monday. I didn't feel like it. Couldn't bring myself to think like a blogger (whatever that means). I didn't care about you getting anything out of my blog......because Monday was hard.

That's the most fitting word I've found to describe it. Last Monday....was just a hard day. At 6:55am things looked good for the day......and by 7:25am there was a heaviness on our shoulders that would not leave for most of the week. No need for details......just another chapter in our lives with Taylor's seizures. And last Monday it knocked our legs out from under us. So, Kim and I spent the day.....just trying to get thru it.....minute.....by minute. Hurting for our daughter. Sometimes defaulting to whatever would spell our minds from the heaviness. Sometimes sensing a peaceful moment (or at least the potential of one).....but then it was gone. Sometimes just hoping for a change in the reality of our daughter's struggle and not being able to do anything about it for her.

And so I didn't post.

What would I have said? I didn't have any answers....still don't....at least not the kind that release the tension of whatever it is you're walking thru.

But I'm making myself post this week.

I still don't have the answer I'm looking for. The one that makes sense of circumstances.....instills a calm in the middle of the storm (and stays there).....that brings resolution to the last 29 months......that enables me to choose God's Story that's being written instead of the one I want to write for our family.

I still don't have that answer.

I want it.

But it hasn't come. And I fear it never will.

But I'm in the process....of processing.

Trying to let go of finding the answer......and just processing reflections like:
.....God isn't going to fix everything (at leaest not on this side of eternity) - why is that?
....How do you enjoy the journey with God when the scenery isn't enjoyable?
....What does it really mean to live the Story God is writing - does it mean I have to like each chapter?

Like I said, no full answer.....just lots of processing.

There are times I enjoy the processing....other times I hate it.

I'm sorry I'm not releasing the tension for you in my post today.

Actually....I'm not......If I have to live in the tension....some company would be nice.

See ya next Monday.....or maybe not.

Love is....

A little while ago God whispered something to me about love, taking my mind to 1 Corinthians 13. The "Love Chapter". You know, the road map the Bible lays out for us that seems like an unattainable list of to do's in order to really be loving. The Whisper simply asked; Do you love like that?

I consider myself a "loving" person. I'm the sentimental guy who wears his emotions on his sleeve. It's normal for me to end a conversation with a friend saying; "Love ya man." Not it the cheesy beer commercial way, but sincerely, My wife would tel lyou I'm a romantic. And those who know me I think would characterize me as a "loving person".

So what do you meant God....Do I love like that? But I gave the Whisper some thought and reflected on how the Bible describes what it looks like to really love someone. It says love is patient, kind, not jealous.... And that's as far as I got.

Am I patient? How many times do I rush my kids along because I have an agenda....something to accomplish. Am I kind? How often does a careless word I say hurt someone I love? Am I jealous? When someone else is blessed, achieves and accomplishment, or receives an honor I would like, do I celebrate for them or secretly wish it was me?

I know.....that doesn't sound like the picture God paints about love does it?

So I started a list that I try to look at every day. It simply says; Love is....

And then each week I pick a new characteristic and write something like: Love is....

Patient - look for ways each day this week to pause with patienc.

Kind - look for ways each day this week to display "random acts of kindness" to others.

It does not envy - have an abundance mindset versus a scarcity mindset this week believeing that there are enough good things to go around.

Kim is the only person who knows about my list (well....except for you now). I don't know if my kids, or others around me have noticed a difference yet. But I have. If nothing more, I've noticed myself being more mindful and intentional with how I love others.

As for the rest of the chapter? The stuff the Bibles says about Love being forgiving, not rude or selfish, and so on? I'm getting to those. One week at a time.

Joy in the journey....

Over the last couple years, joy has been like a nice Indiana day in January, it comes and goes. I feel like a schmuck even writing that because our family has also been extremely blessed during this time as well. But there's been a constant battle in our lives to fight for joy.

Our family, friends, and fellow Crossbridgers know that for the last 2 1/2 yrs. our oldest daughter Taylor has been battling seizures. Medicine has helped at times to "manage" these episodes, however, they have really cramped the lifestyle of a teenage who just wants to be normal. The 10mth. period from Aug. '08 - May '09 was one of the most difficult stretches of life our family has ever experienced. During that time not only were we dealing with Taylor's health issues, but one of my brothers passed away unexpectedly at the age of 38. I know people say you get over stuff like thist, but honestly? Our family is still trying to recover from losing my dad nine years ago at the age of 61.

What I'm afraid of is that these life happenings have caused me to become cynical. What I mean, is whenever we walk thru difficult times, a well meaning friend shares a bible verse or encouraging word. On the outside I try to be gracious, while on the inside I want to ask if God has ever shaken their world like a snowglobe and placed it back on the mantle of life saying; "Okay, now deal with that." See, I know all those verses already. I've quoted them to others myself. It's easy to love, trust, and follow God when everything is going well. It's a different ball game when His plan is uncomfortable. When He is silent to our prayers. When His peace that surpasses all human understanding is fleeting at best, and seems non-existent at worst.

And so we've been trying to find joy in the journey. Not joy despite our circumstances. To tell you the truth, I've never understood that. Being joyful even though you are walking thru tough times. That actually makes me feel guilty. I'm human. When life is uncomfortable, I'm not happy about it. I'm not filled with joy about it.

But maybe I've been thinking of joy all wrong. A while back while God and I were talking, He redefined joy in my life. I was thinking about how when the disciples were beaten for their faith, the Bible says they went away rejoicing. In other words...they found a way to be fill with joy. How? After taking a beating upside the head? How do you find joy in that?

They didn't! They didn't find joy in the beating. They found joy in the purpose. I'm convinced their joy came because they knew they were part of God's purpose in this world. They were playing a part in God's story. And being part of the Divine Story Tellers purpose excited them.

They decided that being a part of the story God was writing was worth whatever they experienced.

Divinely inspired excitement. That's what joy has come to mean in my life lately. We're still walking thru the health struggles with Taylor, I miss both my dad and brother David, uncomfortable things will still come our way (as they will in each of our lives). But we're trying to find God's purpose.....the story He is writing.....and doing our best to find divinely inspired excitement.