Still Processing.....

I didn't post anything last week. Maybe you didn't even notice. I did. It was on purpose. Mondays are usually the day i spend time blogging.

But not last Monday. I didn't feel like it. Couldn't bring myself to think like a blogger (whatever that means). I didn't care about you getting anything out of my blog......because Monday was hard.

That's the most fitting word I've found to describe it. Last Monday....was just a hard day. At 6:55am things looked good for the day......and by 7:25am there was a heaviness on our shoulders that would not leave for most of the week. No need for details......just another chapter in our lives with Taylor's seizures. And last Monday it knocked our legs out from under us. So, Kim and I spent the day.....just trying to get thru it.....minute.....by minute. Hurting for our daughter. Sometimes defaulting to whatever would spell our minds from the heaviness. Sometimes sensing a peaceful moment (or at least the potential of one).....but then it was gone. Sometimes just hoping for a change in the reality of our daughter's struggle and not being able to do anything about it for her.

And so I didn't post.

What would I have said? I didn't have any answers....still don't....at least not the kind that release the tension of whatever it is you're walking thru.

But I'm making myself post this week.

I still don't have the answer I'm looking for. The one that makes sense of circumstances.....instills a calm in the middle of the storm (and stays there).....that brings resolution to the last 29 months......that enables me to choose God's Story that's being written instead of the one I want to write for our family.

I still don't have that answer.

I want it.

But it hasn't come. And I fear it never will.

But I'm in the process....of processing.

Trying to let go of finding the answer......and just processing reflections like:
.....God isn't going to fix everything (at leaest not on this side of eternity) - why is that?
....How do you enjoy the journey with God when the scenery isn't enjoyable?
....What does it really mean to live the Story God is writing - does it mean I have to like each chapter?

Like I said, no full answer.....just lots of processing.

There are times I enjoy the processing....other times I hate it.

I'm sorry I'm not releasing the tension for you in my post today.

Actually....I'm not......If I have to live in the tension....some company would be nice.

See ya next Monday.....or maybe not.