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I got nuthin' this week.
Well.....not entirely true.
The best I got this week.....is sausage.
So if you don't mind still-processing thoughts, keep reading.
If you need them collected this week, these aren't those.
Wonder.....
Have I lost my wonder and awe for God?
I think I have. To some extent.
How come? Where did it go? Can I get it back? How?
Best I got today?
....Got some thoughts.
....Have an idea.
....Banking I can.
....Studying snowflakes.
Because snowflakes intrigue me right now.....and I hope they help me recapture my wonder.
So there it is. Sausage. They say you don't want to see someone making it, but it sure tastes good when it's finished.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Monday, February 15, 2010
Still Processing.....
I didn't post anything last week. Maybe you didn't even notice. I did. It was on purpose. Mondays are usually the day i spend time blogging.
But not last Monday. I didn't feel like it. Couldn't bring myself to think like a blogger (whatever that means). I didn't care about you getting anything out of my blog......because Monday was hard.
That's the most fitting word I've found to describe it. Last Monday....was just a hard day. At 6:55am things looked good for the day......and by 7:25am there was a heaviness on our shoulders that would not leave for most of the week. No need for details......just another chapter in our lives with Taylor's seizures. And last Monday it knocked our legs out from under us. So, Kim and I spent the day.....just trying to get thru it.....minute.....by minute. Hurting for our daughter. Sometimes defaulting to whatever would spell our minds from the heaviness. Sometimes sensing a peaceful moment (or at least the potential of one).....but then it was gone. Sometimes just hoping for a change in the reality of our daughter's struggle and not being able to do anything about it for her.
And so I didn't post.
What would I have said? I didn't have any answers....still don't....at least not the kind that release the tension of whatever it is you're walking thru.
But I'm making myself post this week.
I still don't have the answer I'm looking for. The one that makes sense of circumstances.....instills a calm in the middle of the storm (and stays there).....that brings resolution to the last 29 months......that enables me to choose God's Story that's being written instead of the one I want to write for our family.
I still don't have that answer.
I want it.
But it hasn't come. And I fear it never will.
But I'm in the process....of processing.
Trying to let go of finding the answer......and just processing reflections like:
.....God isn't going to fix everything (at leaest not on this side of eternity) - why is that?
....How do you enjoy the journey with God when the scenery isn't enjoyable?
....What does it really mean to live the Story God is writing - does it mean I have to like each chapter?
Like I said, no full answer.....just lots of processing.
There are times I enjoy the processing....other times I hate it.
I'm sorry I'm not releasing the tension for you in my post today.
Actually....I'm not......If I have to live in the tension....some company would be nice.
See ya next Monday.....or maybe not.
But not last Monday. I didn't feel like it. Couldn't bring myself to think like a blogger (whatever that means). I didn't care about you getting anything out of my blog......because Monday was hard.
That's the most fitting word I've found to describe it. Last Monday....was just a hard day. At 6:55am things looked good for the day......and by 7:25am there was a heaviness on our shoulders that would not leave for most of the week. No need for details......just another chapter in our lives with Taylor's seizures. And last Monday it knocked our legs out from under us. So, Kim and I spent the day.....just trying to get thru it.....minute.....by minute. Hurting for our daughter. Sometimes defaulting to whatever would spell our minds from the heaviness. Sometimes sensing a peaceful moment (or at least the potential of one).....but then it was gone. Sometimes just hoping for a change in the reality of our daughter's struggle and not being able to do anything about it for her.
And so I didn't post.
What would I have said? I didn't have any answers....still don't....at least not the kind that release the tension of whatever it is you're walking thru.
But I'm making myself post this week.
I still don't have the answer I'm looking for. The one that makes sense of circumstances.....instills a calm in the middle of the storm (and stays there).....that brings resolution to the last 29 months......that enables me to choose God's Story that's being written instead of the one I want to write for our family.
I still don't have that answer.
I want it.
But it hasn't come. And I fear it never will.
But I'm in the process....of processing.
Trying to let go of finding the answer......and just processing reflections like:
.....God isn't going to fix everything (at leaest not on this side of eternity) - why is that?
....How do you enjoy the journey with God when the scenery isn't enjoyable?
....What does it really mean to live the Story God is writing - does it mean I have to like each chapter?
Like I said, no full answer.....just lots of processing.
There are times I enjoy the processing....other times I hate it.
I'm sorry I'm not releasing the tension for you in my post today.
Actually....I'm not......If I have to live in the tension....some company would be nice.
See ya next Monday.....or maybe not.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Love is....
A little while ago God whispered something to me about love, taking my mind to 1 Corinthians 13. The "Love Chapter". You know, the road map the Bible lays out for us that seems like an unattainable list of to do's in order to really be loving. The Whisper simply asked; Do you love like that?
I consider myself a "loving" person. I'm the sentimental guy who wears his emotions on his sleeve. It's normal for me to end a conversation with a friend saying; "Love ya man." Not it the cheesy beer commercial way, but sincerely, My wife would tel lyou I'm a romantic. And those who know me I think would characterize me as a "loving person".
So what do you meant God....Do I love like that? But I gave the Whisper some thought and reflected on how the Bible describes what it looks like to really love someone. It says love is patient, kind, not jealous.... And that's as far as I got.
Am I patient? How many times do I rush my kids along because I have an agenda....something to accomplish. Am I kind? How often does a careless word I say hurt someone I love? Am I jealous? When someone else is blessed, achieves and accomplishment, or receives an honor I would like, do I celebrate for them or secretly wish it was me?
I know.....that doesn't sound like the picture God paints about love does it?
So I started a list that I try to look at every day. It simply says; Love is....
And then each week I pick a new characteristic and write something like: Love is....
Patient - look for ways each day this week to pause with patienc.
Kind - look for ways each day this week to display "random acts of kindness" to others.
It does not envy - have an abundance mindset versus a scarcity mindset this week believeing that there are enough good things to go around.
Kim is the only person who knows about my list (well....except for you now). I don't know if my kids, or others around me have noticed a difference yet. But I have. If nothing more, I've noticed myself being more mindful and intentional with how I love others.
As for the rest of the chapter? The stuff the Bibles says about Love being forgiving, not rude or selfish, and so on? I'm getting to those. One week at a time.
I consider myself a "loving" person. I'm the sentimental guy who wears his emotions on his sleeve. It's normal for me to end a conversation with a friend saying; "Love ya man." Not it the cheesy beer commercial way, but sincerely, My wife would tel lyou I'm a romantic. And those who know me I think would characterize me as a "loving person".
So what do you meant God....Do I love like that? But I gave the Whisper some thought and reflected on how the Bible describes what it looks like to really love someone. It says love is patient, kind, not jealous.... And that's as far as I got.
Am I patient? How many times do I rush my kids along because I have an agenda....something to accomplish. Am I kind? How often does a careless word I say hurt someone I love? Am I jealous? When someone else is blessed, achieves and accomplishment, or receives an honor I would like, do I celebrate for them or secretly wish it was me?
I know.....that doesn't sound like the picture God paints about love does it?
So I started a list that I try to look at every day. It simply says; Love is....
And then each week I pick a new characteristic and write something like: Love is....
Patient - look for ways each day this week to pause with patienc.
Kind - look for ways each day this week to display "random acts of kindness" to others.
It does not envy - have an abundance mindset versus a scarcity mindset this week believeing that there are enough good things to go around.
Kim is the only person who knows about my list (well....except for you now). I don't know if my kids, or others around me have noticed a difference yet. But I have. If nothing more, I've noticed myself being more mindful and intentional with how I love others.
As for the rest of the chapter? The stuff the Bibles says about Love being forgiving, not rude or selfish, and so on? I'm getting to those. One week at a time.
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